Today I am thinking of friends. Of the people who come into our lives and rebuild it from the inside. The people who, when necessary, call us on our shit. Strong willed masterpieces who love much more than anyone could possibly, ever, hate. And some people do. Some of god's children are throwing rocks at my smile are placing pennies on the tracks. My train is derailed. Practicing for my interview with clouds. I'm a rainstorm. Muggy faced on the pillowcase I'm drowning. Which is hard... because I'm a good swimmer. Ask my mother.
I've never had a poker face. Can't tell a lie to save my life. I'm transparent like that. Red cheeks and smeared mascara I'm a beautiful wreck with a mouth full of popcorn watching BBC on my days off. I have too much time on my hands. So I get in trouble. I pick apart my smile and wonder when the walls will come down around me. I've started sleeping under school desks remembering tornado drills, plugging my hears against the noise. But it's just my lover snoring in a bed plenty big enough to share. And he's propped up on one elbow staring sleepy and confused at the pile of me, (the girlfriend with the bruised arms and thinking eyes staring wide eyed at peacefulness like she has many many doubts), and he's thinking 1. Oh god... what have I gotten myself into and 2. Woman come to bed before I'm forced to write a country song about this situation.
Because right now things are twangy and tragic. Tinged with the sort of melody you hear on infants heartbeats... soft, but getting stronger. I don't fit small easily. My mess is much too big to portion out. It's a buffet of interesting flavors. Plenty to go around if you have the appetite to attempt it. I used to be angry. Unsafe around glass with something against soft closing doors. I banged words onto paper, spit at the corners of my sentences, this is what I had to say and all I knew. I placed comfort in the fact that no one wanted to know the girl behind the lines, verbal bars to which I swallowed the key. But lately, I've let my guard down. Have begun finger painting kindness across my face. Becoming a warrior of light.
They never told me how hard it was to trust. Didn't explain that there were risks involved. In spite of all the venom I'm learning where to place my feet. I can now walk though the dark with falling. Steady in my sober heart. Without hate to hide behind you get to see all of me. Imperfect little fire starter with the crooked smile and more than a few off color jokes. I'm learning how children are supposed to play. I'm putting some of my more dangerous toys away and accepting that kindness is well worth the vulnerable price tag.
There is something to be said for realizing the things you thought you already learned, figuring out how to learn them all over again for the first time, and admitting that you weren't as established in your skin as you thought you were. Put your trust in knowing that you tried. Embrace your own efforts and those of others. Always remember that everyone has their own baggage and some can't see past it as well as you do. Forgive. It takes real effort, but it's well worth the peace that it provides. Lastly, hear people and their opinions but dearest please for your own sanity, don't listen to all of them.
ReplyDelete