Initial Musings

Oh my, what a nasty day. This week as been full of weather that matches my mood. Grimy, wet and a little off kilter. Perhaps I'm not giving the rain enough credit. It does so much good. But, for someone who hates leaving bed, it makes it very difficult to get things done. This week has been a challenge for me. I've had to come to grips with the idea that, no matter how good my intentions, some people are just not going to like me. They're going to think I'm horrible and they're going to tell others how horrible they think I am. Though I appear to be a strong unflappable individual underneath all of this "performance armor" I'm a pretty sensitive person. I can take a few hits but after a good emotional beat down I bruise just as easily as the next. Monday night found me sobbing into my pillows wishing for a way out. I was so upset and disappointed that my efforts seem to be falling short of where others think I should be. I felt sorry for myself. My boiling point had been reached and I, literally, poured over. My poor gentle man had to coach me on breathing because I was gasping for air. The sobs lasted for a few strong minutes then I fell into a coma-like sleep. Woke up with a headache and a bit of perspective. It is my natural inclination to keep events like this to myself. Why share the bad stuff? But then it hit me... because the bad stuff is real! As a writer I am charged with the responsibility to write about what I know, about my life as it is, not a glossed over version of the truth. My life, at this point, is messy and filled with snot. It's ugly and a bit pathetic. It's humbling. So I wrote a post on Facebook about my night of rain. It was honest and insecure, totally human. I was afraid my friends would think less of me. Would see me as weak. (How stupid I can be!) My friends did exactly what friends do, they showered me with love. They said they appreciated my honesty and many wrote me private messages expression how, they too, had been struggling. Everyone was so sorry that I was going through pain but so grateful I was brave enough to share it. I was absolutely floored! My spirits peaked their tender heads out from under the covers and began to rise. The love that I felt confirmed my beliefs that sharing your heart is one of the greatest things you can ever do. Writing has truly been a saving grace in my life. It has allowed me to connect with others and to connect with myself. I continue to go deeper and share what I have learned. I encourage you to do the same.